I. ANYBODY CAN WRITE
Hello. I'm Randall Park. And today, I'm going to talk to you about writing. Now, contrary to popular belief, anybody can write. Tall people, short people, fat people skinny people, anyone. The only people who can't write are really stupid people. Sure, they can bang their hands on a typewriter or scribble circles on a piece of paper, but that's not writing. That's just being stupid.
Take babies for example. I hate to say it, but babies are really stupid. Sure, they're cute and they are the future blah blah blah...but those fuckers are stupid! Give an ink pen to a baby, and I can guarantee you that four out of five times, that pen will end up in that baby's mouth! Yeah, that's intelligent. (If you're lucky enough to get the baby to actually write something, it'll look something like this- "la#@kkks--+". Yeah, that's intelligent.) This is all I got to say about babies: Either learn to speak English or get the hell out of my country!!!
II. WORDS ARE POWERFUL
Now, the end of that last paragraph may have offended some of you. Which brings me to my next point. Words are powerful. They have the power to make people mad. They also have the power to make people happy. They also have the power to make people fall asleep. I keep a copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude next to my bed. I swear, all I need are those first two pages to send me off to dreamland. (That book SUCKS!!) I think surgeons can save a lot of money by just reading the first two pages of that bookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Sorry about that. I fell asleep just writing about that frickin' book. Which brings me to my next point - Good writing will not put anyone to sleep. Good writing will keep the reader engaged - it will take the reader on a fantastic voyage. Read any book by Iceberg Slim, and you'll know what I'm talking about. Also, I highly recommend novelizations of popular movies. Those are quite excellent, especially if you saw the movie first. Here's a list of some of my favorites - Spaceballs, Tron, and Over The Top.
III. WRITING YOUR OWN STORIES
Now, I know what some of you are thinking - I've read plenty of stories, but I've never actually written any stories of my own. How do I do it? Simple. Pick up a pen and just write!!! Write about anything!! What you put down on paper may seem boring at first, but keep in mind the first rule of writing:
WRITING IS ALL ABOUT THE RE-WRITE!
Once you've completed that first draft, start from the beginning and add aliens wherever you see fit. Yes, aliens. A good alien will make any boring piece of crap story somewhat interesting. Then, add a sex scene. (Maybe even with an alien? Hmmmm.) The more descriptive your sex scene, the better. Use phrases like "beads of sweat", "glistening mounds of flesh", etc...I guarantee that by the end of your "re-write", you'll have a pretty dope story.
Now, all your story needs is a message. Always make sure the "bad guy" ends up in jail or dead. In turn, the "good guy" should end up with a lot of money or having sex with the blonde girl or something like that. This way, you're teaching society to be good.
IV. WRITING POEMS
Some people aren't interested in writing stories. Some people would rather write poems. This makes complete sense to me, since poems are short, and you could basically write anything you want and people will think you're deep. Take this poem I wrote recently:
Searching for life
Chickens are breaded
It took me only five minutes to write this one. Notice how I put the word "America" in it. Using the word "America" in your poem is like automatic points for being deep. Especially if you're not Caucasian, because then they'll think your poem has to do with race or something deep like that. If you are Caucasian, I suggest that you write poems about nature. Just a real descriptive poem about a bear or a mountain. Oh, also, use anthropomorphism. That's when your animals talk and wear clothes or something like that. People think that's deep. Another good poetic device is alliteration. Some of my favorite poets are Shakespeare, Maya Angelo, and Too $hort.
V. WRITING PLAYS
Writing plays is my personal specialty. I've been writing plays for the past ten years, and have developed quite a reputation in the theatre world. Now, I'm no Tennessee Williamson, but I am definitely an up-and-coming genius. I enjoy writing plays, because it's cool to see your words brought to life. Take this exchange I wrote for the play "Perfect Storm" which will appear in our upcoming production of A Burning Thing:
COLE: Are you okay?
SNAPPY: Son, I've lost sight in both eyes!
In our upcoming show, actors David J. Lee (Snappy) and Tim Chiou (Cole) play the characters of Snappy and Cole, respectively. Which brings me to the next rule of writing - Try not to repeat information in the same sentence.
A lot of fans come up to me and ask me how I get into the minds of my characters. Actors ask me how I'm able to provide them with such rich material to work with. I answer these questions with one word - "Yes". Then, I walk away. I do this, because the best playwrights are weird. They do things that don't make any sense. The best playwrights are also alcoholic, which is why I drink a lot. They're also gay.
VI. DAVID MAMET
One of my favorite playwrights is David Mamet. I've never read any of his plays, but he wrote the script for the movie The Untouchables which was excellent. Especially that train station scene when Andy Garcia shoots that dude in the back. That scene was AWESOME! That's why I like David Mamet. I also like Shakespeare.
VII. GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS
Now that you have all the necessary tools to begin a career as a professional writer, it's time to get down to business! Find a place where your thoughts flow freely - a spot under a Sycamore tree, or maybe your favorite desk by the window, or maybe your favorite table by the window. Think of things that inspire you - politics, your personal philosophies, family, friends, loved ones. And don't forget to ALWAYS write what you feel. Don't be afraid to be honest. As if you were writing in your journal or diary. Don't censor yourself, especially on that first draft. Because every good story is a reflection of your real life. With aliens added. And a sex scene.
If you need help with your story, your poem, or your play, I'm free to help you. I don't have a job right now, so I have some free time. For example, right now, as I'm typing this, I'm watching the show Starting Over. If you're familiar with this show, chances are, you don't have a job either. Let's collaborate! My point is, I'm willing to help you in exchange for some money. I also do personal message and I offer escort services. Also for money.
Mar Vista, California