Why Rappers Make Better Lovers

by Naoya

Music has always been a way for one person to express their love to another. Now with Valentine's Day, or as my students would say, "ValenTIME's Day" coming up, what better time to bring up the benefits of rap music. Now I know that for years the FCC and other conservative organizations have been knocking rap music for it's glorification of gangs, violence, and whatnot, but I'm here to say that rap music = love. Yes, you could learn a lot from rappers. They know how to do it. Just listen to their lyrics and you too can be a fantastic lover.

Case #1: They are not ambiguous in their sexual preference.

Let's take a look at 80's sensation, Culture Club. No one was sure if Boy George was really gay at the time this song came out, but words speak volumes:

Flowers, showers, Who's got the new boy gender
I'll be your baby, I'll be your score
I'll run the gun for you and so much more
I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 ya, I'll tumble 4 you

The rest of the song implies that he's supposed to be singing to a girl. Uh, yeah right. Last time I "tumbled" for someone was in 7th grade gym class- and those shorts were pretty short. Plus it's clear that "run the gun" is a metaphor for " operate a penis". In contrast, let's take a look at a classic rap song by one of the greatest lyricists of all time- Jay-Z:

Now that's Spanish chick, French chick, Indian and Black
That's fried chicken, curry chicken, damn I'm gettin' fat
Arroz con pollo, french fries and crepe
An appetitite for destruction but I scrape the plate
I love girls, girls, girls, girls- Girls, I do adore
Yo put your number on this paper cause I would love to date ya
Holla at ya when I come off tour.

Plain and simple, Jay-Z's not ashamed to tell you that he loves girls. Not only that, girls who cook. That's the best! It's also cool when they iron your jeans afterwards.

Case #2: Rappers believe that Sharing is Caring.

Great musicians like Barry Manilow have written many love songs that have sold millions of records, but man, they're all about selfishness and keeping the woman to themselves. Here's an excerpt from one popular tune, "When I Need You":

When I need you, I just close my eyes and I'm with you
and all that I so want to give you. It's only a heart beat away
When I need love, I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love keeping me warm night and day

Me, me, me, I, I, I... dude, get over yourself. Now rappers like Nelly know how it's done. They know that ladies love men who are caring- and caring men share...everything:

I need you to get up up on that dance floor,
Give that man what he askin' for...
It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes.

The Top 40 hit "Hot in Herre" shows that - 1) Nelly doesn't mind if other guys dance with his woman, and 2) He cares about his woman's comfort in such a blistering dance club- and it's okay if other dudes see her naked. Now if that isn't considerate, I don't know what is.

Case #3: They're straightforward.

I've been to a lot of weddings lately, and Sam Cooke's song, "You Send Me" seems to be a big hit. Yes, it's a great love song, blah blah, but take another look at the words:

Darling yoooouuuu send me
I know yooooouuuuu send me
Darling yooooouuuuu send me
Honest you do, honest you do. Honest you do, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Hello?! Am I the only one who noticed that this song is one big sentence fragment? One could spend hours analyzing what Sam Cooke likes from a lover. Rappers don't skirt around the issues. In the following passage from Ludacris' "What's Your Fantasy", he tells you exactly what he wants:

Or how 'bout on the beach with black sand
Lick up your thighs and call me Pac-man
Table top or just give me a lap dance
The rock to the park to the flat lands
That man Ludacris (woo) in the public bathroom
Or back of the classroom
How ever you want it lover, I'm gonna tap that ass soon

I'm gonna go take a cold shower now. No wonder rappers get so many girls.

Case #4: Rappers won't create a façade.

One-hit-wonder band, Crazy Town had a hit a couple years back and tried to mix in a little rap flavor with their rockin' guitar riffs. They were serious rockers. Plus they had a lot of tattoos. Just looking at them makes my right hand do that rockin' devil sign- but I digress. Here's a taste of their lyrics from "Butterfly":

Come my lady
Come come my lady, you're my butterfly
Sugar, baby

What the hell does that mean? Aren't you guys supposed to rock?! Butterflies?! Weak. The phrase "Keepin' it Real" started with the likes of Heavy D:

Girls, the Girls, they love me,
I'm the overweight lover Heavy D

Now here's a man who builds self-confidence. The mindset that "more cushion for the pushin'" allows growing boys like me to feel comfortable eating that extra donut.

Case #5: Rappers know how to say "I Love You".

When I was growing up, Phil Collins was the man. He wooed the ladies even though he was balding. That's cool, but in retrospect, his lyrics sucked. Let's see how he phrased those three simple words your woman so longs to hear:

When I'm feeling blue, all I got to do,
is take a look at you, then I'm not soo blue...
Wouldn't you agree? Baby you and me, got a groovy kind of love

Hmm, groovy? With all do respect Mr. Collins, the 1950's just called, and they want their phrases back. Step into the 2000's. Check out 50 Cent's "21 Questions":

We only humans, girl, we make mistakes
To make it up I do whatever it takes
I love you like a fat kid love cake
You know my style
I'd say anything to make you smile
Girl...It's easy to love me now
Would you love me if I was down and out?
Would you still, have love for me.

Damn, this man is questioning his woman's love for him! He's not afraid to say he loves her, and he makes the girl feel bad for being a gold-digger, and thus putting HER in the position to say those magic words. Pure genius! And I gotta add, I'm a fat kid and I love cake. So he must really love her (teardrop).

Seriously, I could go on and on, but there's some lovin' to be done at my place, nahmean? I'm gonna go get my 2 Live Crew CD's ready and light some candles... my lady loves 2 Live.

So to all you single lovers out there, when it's "time" to "Valen" this February 14th, crank up all these sexy, sultry, soulful songs and I guarantee you some good hot action. Peace. Word to your mutha, especially if she's fine.

Copyright 2003, 2004