On Good Manners and Proper Etiquette

by Randall


I. INTRODUCTION: Is Chivalry Dead?

Hello. I'm Randall Park. Now, if you've read my past two essays on the subjects of Acting and Writing, you know that I am both an artist and an intellectual. But what you may not know about me is that I am also an expert on the topic of Good Manners, Proper Etiquette, and Sexual Relations. The other night, a very special young lady asked me, "Is Chivalry Dead?" With the wink of an eye, I responded, "'Tis not, my lady", as I stroked her hair with one hand and gently unwrapped her Seven Layer Burrito with the other. Then, I took her home and we had sex. But today's essay is not about sexual relations. It is about the importance of Good Manners and Proper Etiquette.

II. PROPER HYGIENE

Proper hygiene is the foundation of all good manners. This brings to mind the old Irish saying: "Proper hygiene is the foundation of all good manners." (To be said with an Irish accent.)

Gentlemen, you can open the door for a lady all you want. But this chivalrous gesture means nothing if you smell like a post-game Vlade Divac. Ladies, you can curtsey your way into any man's heart. But this means nothing if on the top of your head rests a steaming pile of feces. This is why it is of utmost importance for everyone to bathe. This means utilizing all of the essential tools to achieve cleanliness: water, soap, frog, and shampoo.

Another area that demands your attention is the mouth. Scientists say that the human mouth contains more bacteria than the mouth of a dog. This means that if you were to French kiss a talking dog, that dog would say, "Shit! Get the fuck away from me!" (THANK GOD dogs can't talk!) But I think we can learn a lot from our canine companions when it comes to keeping the mouth clean. This is why I highly recommend that after a proper brushing and flossing, lick your privates.

III. POLICE ETIQUETTE

Every now and then, we get stopped by the police. When this happens, it is very important that we use good manners and proper etiquette. Always call the officer "Officer". Never call the officer "Fuckin' Pig". They hate that. If the officer asks you to step out of the car, step out of the car. If he asks you for your identification, hand him your identification. If he asks why do you have a lamb in the backseat, ALWAYS DENY IT. Trust me, there is NEVER a good excuse for having a lamb in the backseat of your car. (I had to learn that the hard way.)

The basic rule of police etiquette can be summed up in one statement: ALWAYS do what the officer tells you, especially if you're black. If you're white, you should also do what the officer tells you, but you can have a little attitude about it. If you're Asian, there is a good chance that a traffic violation has occurred. Do not contest the violation, even if it wasn't your fault. Just say you did it, bow, and eat the nearest bowl of rice or something.

IV. PROPER ETIQUITTE AT SPORTING EVENTS

It's cool to be a fan of a sports team. But it is NEVER cool to be drunk off your ass with paint smothered all over your shirtless overweight body, screaming out the name of your favorite tight end. Especially if you're doing this alone in a front of a television set. This kind of behavior might be acceptable at a live sporting event, but even then, you deserve to be killed.

V. DINING ETIQUETTE

Dining in a fine establishment such as The Olive Garden or Hometown Buffet provides us with the perfect opportunity to display our level of class. First off, always dress nice when dining out. Gentlemen, this means wearing a clean button-up shirt, a nice Fubu or Wu-Wear sweater, slacks and a clean pair of G-Unit sneakers. For ladies I recommend a nice blouse, jewelry, and shoes.

Another important rule in dining with class is mastering the art of easy conversation. By "easy conversation", I mean, don't ask questions like, "What is the square root of 234,543?" That is what we call "difficult conversation". Here is an example of EASY CONVERSATION at the dinner table:

JOHN: Becca, this soup is magnificent!

BECCA: It sure is, John.

JOHN: What a wonderful evening!

BECCA: My love, can you please pass the pepper?

JOHN: But of course, my dear.

Here is an example of what happens when "easy conversation" turns into UNEASY conversation at the dinner table:

JOHN: Becca, this soup is magnificent!

BECCA: It sure is, John.

JOHN: What a wonderful evening!

BECCA: My love, can you please pass the pepper?

JOHN: But of course, my dear. Hey. Look under the table. That's my penis.

The number one rule of dining etiquette is: NEVER EVER DISPLAY YOUR GENITALIA. I don't know why every other publication on dining etiquette tends to omit this very important rule. Maybe because they don't know shit about dining etiquette.

BASIC RULES TO REMEMBER WHEN EATING
Here are some basic rules to remember when eating:

1. Place food in mouth.
2. Chew food in mouth.
3. Swallow food.

If you found these rules useful, you are a complete idiot.

VI. INSULT ETIQUETTE

Believe it or not, there are proper and improper ways to insult somebody. If you hate someone's guts and you want to say it to their face, do it WITH CLASS. For example, take the phrase: "Fuck you, asshole!!" Look in a mirror and say that to yourself a couple times. Now try saying it with a top hat and a monocle. Now try saying it holding a scepter and a small dog. Notice how each time, the insult gets classier and classier? This is quite possibly the stupidest essay I've ever written. I am so drunk right now.

VII. THE ART OF COURTSHIP

Throughout my thirty years on this planet, I've learned a lot about the complex and dangerous game that we call LOVE. I've learned that when a woman says, "I'm not interested in you", she means that she is NOT interested in you. I've also learned that when a woman says, "I am interested in you", she means that she is NOT interested in you, rather she is interested in your Latin friend. I've learned that when a woman gives you her number and it has only five digits, and they're all the same digit, she is NOT interested in you. I've also learned that when a woman dances with you, if she is turned away from you the entire time, this means that she is not dancing with you. She is most likely dancing with the guy she is facing. Therefore, she is NOT interested in you. And for the past twenty minutes, you have been dancing by yourself.

Yes, the human heart is fragile, and the game of courtship can hurt like a mother. And by "mother" I mean "an anvil on the foot". But fear not, because good manners and proper etiquette can make the difference between being all alone and being all a-moan! (If you know what I'm talkin' bout.) Just follow these rules, and you'll be on your way to living a life of class:

RULES FOR THE GENTLEMAN:
- ALWAYS open the door for the lady.
- ALWAYS protect the lady from physical harm.
- ALWAYS compliment the lady on her dress. Even if she is not wearing a dress. If she says, "I'm not wearing a dress", respond with, "Yes you are." (Women LOVE men who stand up for themselves.)
- ALWAYS pay for the meal. And if you must, remind her that in some countries, Cheetoes is a meal.
- Whenever on a date, NEVER look at another woman. If you happen to look at another woman, say something like, "I think that's the girl I saved from a burning building back in '93. She doesn't remember me, because when I saved her, I was wearing a mask."
- I don't care how much you love rap music; NEVER call your lady "Biggie".

RULES FOR THE LADY
- When sitting in the passenger seat, ALWAYS unlock the driver's side door for your man.
- ALWAYS say "Thank you" after your man buys you dinner.
- If you're a lady, ALWAYS be a lady. By that I mean, ALWAYS have a vagina. NEVER have a penis.
- When sitting in a restaurant with your man, NEVER start French kissing the waiter. "But he's French" is no excuse.
- You're standing at the pier with your man, watching the sunset. Romance is in the air. NEVER use this time to expound on the virtues of serial killer Aileen Wuorous.
- NEVER say this to your man- "Ads^e4wks#xmnaoldh&#l!!!" (You will scare him.)

VIII. GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

Now that you have the necessary tools for living a life of good manners and proper etiquette, it is time to get down to business!! Always remember the "three C's": Be Courteous, Considerate, and Kind. I guarantee, you will help make the world a better place, and you may also up your chances of having sex every now and then. So go out there and BE CLASSY!!!

Side note: While writing this essay, I almost finished a whole bottle of Jack Daniels. You know, the little ones you get for $9.99 at the liquor store. But back to the subject of being classy- I teach classes on good manners and proper etiquette. If you've read my other essays, you probably guessed this by now. Send a digital photo of you to goodrandall@hotmail.com, and I'll see if you qualify for the class.

Let me end with this- Our world today is in a very sad state. With the war, world hunger, gang violence, the rising unemployment rate, etc... The fact is, we're all stressed out, and we need to relax and take a moment to enjoy life. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I also offer personal massage. And escort services. For money.

Randall Park
Mar Vista, California
February 2005






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