BOYS IN THE (WEST) H(OLLYW)OOD
OR
HOW ACTING SAVED MY LIFE

by Eddie


My friends in Los Angeles and Chicago have been calling me for a while now to confirm whether this shit actually happened. Well, it did. And now I'd like to share my merry adventure with you:

So it's 10 at night. I just had a groovy dinner with Sammy, my girl, and the plan is for us to meet at my place to chill. Fine.

So I head down Santa Monica Blvd. and before I know it, I notice a white car pull up right outside my window filled with not-so-friendly looking young gentlemen. The driver's a skinny dude with a short crew cut and wearing a wife beater tank top. Sitting shotgun is a fairly diesel white guy who's bald, covered in tats, and also wearing a wife beater. I figure it's like their uniform. From the looks of them, I also figure they're either up to no good, or they're heading to the late-night audition for American History X, Part II. I don't care. I'm full and I'm sleepy, so I ignore them...

Until, of course, they follow me and drive so close to my ride (a black '97 Dodge Avenger named "Sharise" thank you very much) that I have to swerve farther into my own lane to avoid them. I look over and they're screaming hysterically, "Stay in your own lane, bitch!! Stay in your own fuckin' lane, you little punk bitch!!" They're also feeling very generous because they begin donating pennies by whipping them at my car. I pee just enough to realize that, yes, I'm scared now. I start feeling warm and my palms are starting to moisten. Honestly, I was a little sad too. But mostly very scared. Seriously, I didn't pee that much.

By the time I hit Fairfax (the nearest major intersection by my place) the light is turning yellow so I begin to slow down. Needless to say, the car pulls up even closer than before and their rearview mirror almost clips mine. I want to say something, but then I remember something: I am sooooo scared. "House of Pain" is going straight apeshit now. Screaming, chucking change, and getting riled up.

So I do what anybody in my position would have done: I blow the red light like my asshole was on fire. By the time I'm halfway through the intersection, a traffic camera flashes and five days later, I have a $340 ticket to commemorate this evening. Whatever. I'm just relieved to have escaped Planet of the Apes in one piece. Then the camera flashes again, and I hear their car screech as it peels out to catch up with me. I am literally sweating and swearing violently. (Absolutely no pee this time. Honestly. Goddamnit. Fine. Only like really little.) Oddly enough, I'm laughing. The car races just past me and I use that as my opportunity to turn down a small side street where I happen to live.

I figure I'll book it to my parking spot, hop out, and just chillax inside until this whole episode blows over. It'll all be a funny story one day. Heh. Uh, yeah. But as I'm turning, I see their car, now about 20 feet in front of me, U turn and follow me down my side street. I pretty much lose my shit, but I force myself to really start focussing on my plan. So I fly towards my driveway...

And then I remember that Sammy is probably sitting on my doorstep waiting for me. There is a very good chance that if I don't make it inside, she will witness my beat down. The only thing worse than getting my ass whooped would be getting it whooped in front of my girl. Not to mention that I'm leading them right to my apartment, so anytime they're bored and wanna beat me down again in the future, they can find me. Great.

So at the last moment I screech down another side street and fly towards Crescent Heights, the next main road. As soon as I turn onto it, I see a Dry Cleaners. It's dark because it's closed but I notice it has an alley, so I figure I could turn down that alley without being seen. Nice.

So I turn in and the alleyway is blocked off by a series of these two-foot-high yellow cement fuckin' pillars. Fuckin' stupid fuckin' pillars. Fuck!! In my rearview, I see the car turn into the same dark parking lot where noone will see my ass get stabbed, stuffed with pennies, and eaten.

Then something weird happens. Weirder than the pee thing, which never even really happened so shut up. I start getting really bothered, and start thinking how fucked up this situation is: I can't even enjoy a nice dinner and go home to relax without some morons trying to intimidate me and ruin my night. I am now really annoyed. And then upset. And then straight-up pissed off. And then I decide that I should have a little fun.

So I hop out of my car and sprint towards the car. Like aggressive ninja style. In my mind, I am thinking that I have to fully commit to my new plan, or I might lose a kidney.

That's when I scream," LAPD!! Keep your hands where I can see them!!"

And I flash my wallet really quick so that it looks like I have a badge or something. But I have this really fat tri-fold wallet, so that when I hold it up, the whole thing unravels and I end up flashing my ATM, Ralph's, and Blockbuster cards instead. And the goddamn thing just hangs there, flailing apologetically, with cards exposed and all. Good thing it's dark. Both my hands fly to just stuff the wallet back together and cram it into my back pocket. I regain myself.

I look up and the guy sitting shotgun starts stammering, "Uh.. we didn't do ...What were uh..."

"SHUT UP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" I yell.

I am two brain cells away from having a heart attack. I cannot believe this is happening. But I keep going.

"GET OUT OF YOUR VEHICLE!! Keep your hands above your head!!"

So they all fuckin' start filing out of their car, a little confused. The driver is silent and the shotgun guy is a little pissed. I continue.

"Get DOWN on your STOMACHS!! NOW!!"

And they do it. I have no idea what to do now, so I wing it.

"I'm going to call for back up. DO NOT MOVE!!! DO NOT MOVE OR I WILL BE FORCED TO USE MY WEAPON!!!!" -- a Blockbuster card, used correctly, can be a deadly weapon.

I back away, hop in my car and peel the fuck out. As I leave the parking lot, I glance over, and those fools are on their stomach, still afraid to move. I notice that I'm shaking.

I still can't believe that it all went down like that. Still, I think I had the last laugh. And I was right. It did turn into a fun little story. And here you have it. I'm off to buy some Depends. But not for me.






Copyright 2003, 2004