10 Quick and Easy Tips for the Heterosexual Male when trying to impress a Female (or at least ME)!

by Nancy


1) SHE IS NEVER FAT OR CHUBBY OR BIG-BONED OR ROUND OR HEALTHY

Don't ever think for a second that a woman likes to be called "healthy" even though it sounds like a compliment. Any of the adjectives listed above equate to being fat. If she asks you if she looks fat, the answer is "NO." If she has gained weight and asks you if you can tell, the answer is "NO." If she asks you if you like curvy, voluptuous women, the answer is,"I'm not sure, maybe." In the latter case, she is trying to trick you. You need to be smart and answer vaguely. Leave yourself some space just in case your girl does gain weight. Then you can say that you never said that you didn't like curvy women. Got it? USE YOUR BRAIN!

2) PAY FOR THE CHECK

I don't care is your ass is a poor, struggling, artistic medical student. You pay for the check at the very least for the first few months of dating. Take out a loan, get a credit card, go apply at McDonald's, call Mommy! She doesn't need to know how you make extra cash. BE A MAN! Women may act like they don't expect you to pay BUT THEY DO. If you don't pay, they will talk shit about you to all of their girlfriends and you will be deemed the "Cheap ass sorry mofo with no class." After the first few months, you can take turns paying for stuff unless you make more money-then you still gotta pay. However, if you're in front of friends, you always pay. You have to at least pretend you pay all the time for goodness sake! DON'T BE A CHEAP ASS!

3) PICK HER ASS UP

Again, this applies to the first few months of dating. I don't care if your car is crappy. Get it fixed or detail it. At least vacuum the inside and throw out your Super Big Gulp and In-N-Out hamburger wrappers. You need to pick her up. Unless she specifically asks you to meet her at your designated place of fun and enjoyment, pick her up. All I gotta ask is, back in the day, did women ride their horses and pick up their men at their cottages or castles? NO! Can you imagine a woman riding a horse with a man in the back? How emasculating is that? DON'T BE LAZY!

4) BE A CHIVALROUS GENTLEMAN

"marked by especial courtesy to women" Yes, we want a knight in shining armor. You're not fighting with swords and shields and all of that really cool manly stuff so the least you can do is open the door, pull out her seat, offer her your hand when she needs assistance. Don't overdo it though. You're not her butler. If you overdo it, you'll look desperate and nothing's more gross than looking desperate. DON'T BE PATHETIC!

5) VIDEO GAMES ARE FOR BOYS

If you're an avid video game player, she doesn't need to know that EVER! That's fine if you want to play Halo for six hours at a time with your buddies. Just don't brag about it and never play in her presence. Do you think she wants to sit there and watch your ass play video games for 6 hours? You're time with her is precious. She is special. Plus, video games are kinda nerdy. Do you ever hear about Denzel Washington or Russell Crowe playing video games? They might play but you don't hear about it because it's not cool. I don't care how cool or gangsta the video game is. We women don't think like that. We think, "He likes to play those games more than spending time with me." If that's the truth, then maybe it's time to break off the relationship with your girlfriend and move onto fully courting XBOX. HAVE FUN IN NERDVILLE!

6) IF YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, DON'T TRY TO BE

Concentrate on your other attributes first. If you're sweet, be sweet. If you're athletic, do something active together. Athletes are hot! Nothing's worse than an unfunny comedian. If you keep trying to make jokes with a 100% failure rate, you start looking like you're mentally handicapped. If you have a strong desire to make your girl laugh, practice your lame ass jokes or impressions on your friends until they're not so lame anymore and then go for it. If you fail, more practice! Study funny people and then find your own brand of humor. If you succeed, great! Just don't overkill. Listening to your Bill Cosby impression 20 times a day gets boring and f'n annoying actually. BE YOURSELF! BE UNIQUE! DON'T BE UNFUNNY!

7) WORK OUT! STAY IN SHAPE!

No one is expecting you to look like Brad Pitt in "Fight Club" or Brad Pitt in "Snatch" or Brad Pitt in "Troy." However, there is no excuse for you to have man boobies or more cellulite than us. Males have more muscle mass therefore a higher metabolic rate than women. You burn calories and fat faster than us you jerks! Join a gym, play a sport, go hiking, run with your dog, take a martial arts class-that's hot! Unless you have a severe thyroid problem, you're just lazy. Laziness is not sexy. If you're severely depressed and can't stop eating, there's Food Addicts Anonymous, Overeater's Anonymous or there's church. Miracles happen you know. TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEMPLE!

8) VALENTINE'S DAY

This goes for any special occasion including but not limited to birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year's Eve, etc... Do something special or at least DO SOMETHING! I can't tell you how many of my stupid guy friends have told me that they're not going to do any thing for Valentine's Day because they're girlfriends said they don't have to. Are you serious? Your girlfriends are LYING! What option do we really have? If we say we want something on Valentine's Day, we look pathetic and needy. And then, when you actually do get us flowers or candy or whatever, we think that you only did that because we asked you to not because you really wanted to. How pathetic is that? So, we have to pretend that we don't want anything in hopes that you'll override our request for nothing and get us a beautiful present anyway. Then we know that you really love us and wanted to get us something special for that special occasion because we're just so special that you couldn't imagine doing nothing special for our special asses! TREAT US LIKE WE'RE SPECIAL EVERYDAY AND ESPECIALLY ON VALENTINE'S DAY DUMMY!

9) KISSING

I bring this subject up because I've had the unfortunate experience of kissing a couple of men with little talent in this area. Believe me, bad kisses can be a deal-breaker. I can't really recommend practicing on your buddies if you're a straight man so I'll just give you a few obvious tips on this. 1) Go with the flow-pay attention to what she likes and what she does to you. 2) Don't bite too hard- Our lips are not food! 3) Don't slobber! - Are you practicing to be a walrus? 4) Have some variety- Don't be boring! 5) Move your tongue- Are you a statue? I guess you could practice on ugly girls but that's messed up because you might get really good at kissing and then they'll fall in love with you and it'll just be messy. Never mind. GOOD KISSERS GET EXTRA POINTS EVEN IF YOU'RE UGLY!

10) HYGIENE/APPEARANCE

Body odor, greasy hair smell, halitosis, eye boogers, regular boogers, yellow teeth, dirty/long fingernails and toenails, hairy backs, uni-brow, excessive earwax and gnats flying around you are unacceptable. Have you ever heard of soap and water? If I need to go into detail about this, you don't even need tips #1-9. TAKE A SHOWER! BRUSH YOUR TEETH! GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!

Before you judge me after reading this harsh but truthful article, try these tips out! I guarantee you'll be more of a pimp mac daddy!

Love, Nancy






Copyright 2003, 2004