Signs You are Getting OLD

by Rick

1) You were born ninety years ago.

This not-so-obvious sign is not so much a sign as it is fact. I probably shouldn't continue explaining this one.

2) You are holding in a poo and you sneeze and the poo shoots out into the leg of your pajama pants.

Depends, Depends, Depends. I'm not sure what age Depends are recommended for, but you can be a precocious adult, right?

3) You go for a jog and you are bedridden for a week afterwards (and you are forced to use a bed pan during that time.)

Keep in mind as you are reading that I am NOT writing from personal experience as I am not OLD yet... I am relaying stories that I have heard from friends of mine who are already OLD (sorry Naoya). Besides soreness, there is weird joint pain in your good knee and aggravation of arch pain in both your feet (plantar fasciitis).

4) You eat one of your top five favorite meals and it gives you gas.

It feels like a betrayal when the delicious food you eat turns against you once it has entered your digestive tract. "You lied to me, you told my taste buds you that you were just coming in like you normally do and then you started acting a fool once you got through the epiglottis." This friend of mine was very emotional when he found out that one of his favorite meals had turned on him and was wreaking havoc in his duodenum.

5) You get ID'd when you try to order off the kids menu at (insert the name of the restaurant you tried this at here.)

Sorry, I didn't know, I mean, my friend didn't know that it was illegal to order "macaroo 'n cheese" if you are over the age of 12. I think that calling his parents and having them come get him from the restaurant was a little bit of an overreaction.

6) You choose not to go to the party your friend is throwing at the playboy mansion because it will cut into your nap time.

Okay, okay, this is the only one of these that really did happen to me, but I was really tired and he invited me on such short notice. I'm really not old, I swear.

7) You ask your parents to turn down the radio in the car.

See, I was riding in the car with my parents, I'm definitely not old. Anyways, this one didn't happen to me, at least not the turning down the radio part. From what I was told this guy's parents are really young and they were blasting the radio...

8) You think anything is a "disgrace."

This is one is pretty self explanatory, I don't think anyone under the age of sixty can even physically pronounce the word "disgrace." Oh, shit, I just tried to and I did it successfully, maybe it's because I'm precocious...

9) You and your friends are watching the weather channel on a Friday night and collectively sigh when there is news of more rain.

I know I could have left it with watching the weather channel on Friday night, but somehow the reaction to it adds ten more years.

10) Your great grandkids think you are dead...

See #1.

Copyright 2003, 2004