Let Go

by Vivian

"There's something about watching someone that you love, like your fiancé, have sex with another woman, that forces you to let go of your ego...Especially when it's with your consent." As we gather here at this authentic Indian Restaurant on the corner of Sunset and Fountain, in the same strip as Yoshi Noya, my girlfriend spurts out.

It was girls night and we were all truly excited to see each other with no other interest but spending some quality time. No parties, no boys, no networking or any other alterior distractions, we were all just hungry for some good food and good conversation with the girlz. It was one of those nights, when you knew you were going to have a good time. Samosas and Saag started the evening.

Devouring the exotic goodness where our palettes are sensationalized with different spices and curry, my friend Joy shares her adventures at the Sex Club. She and her fiancé, with mutual sexual appetite, have been experimenting at these sex clubs for some time. Joy is an artist, who's been struggling with limitations put on by herself. She stopped painting because she thought it was not "good enough", if it can't be great, then she can't create at all. That's absurd as the notion that if we are all going to die then why live at all. Of course sharing your lover with another couple is a very extreme way to learn to let go, not everyone needs to go this extreme but Joy lives in an extreme world. Never in the middle. Rebelling against traditional ideas of sex between couples and giving up established ideas, she has become more open and adventurous in other aspects of her life. Since explorations in the sex club, and letting go of her ego--giving up this notion of self-limitation, she has opened herself up for limitless creativity. She started painting again.

As she talks about letting go of her ego, I confide that I am going through the same struggle. And I've been working on the same. My revelation happened at church not at the sex club. I'm sitting there feeling sorry for myself, because I'm not sure where my life is going. I start to have the same sort of questions I used to have as an adolescent. What is the meaning of life... you get up in the morning and repeat your daily rituals of hygiene, eat, fart, work and sleep again just to repeat over and over. The absurdities of life start to weigh on you. I thought I outgrew this stage during my 20's when I was so busy trying to survive - working, studying that I didn't have the luxury to ponder. But I guess I am at that point again of transitions and re-evaluation... I go to St. Ambroise on a Sunday afternoon wondering why I'm there, when the priest delivers his eulogy directly at me. "What is Life, you ask? A cruel joke where everything ends in death. No, it is constant transcendence." I thought, "oh my god, he's reading my mind, oh my god, I used his name in vain." He talked about how through time and space, through our perception, our memories, our experiences and growth- there is always change. There is not an end. Death is not the end of life. We have something deeper, a spirit- a spirit to love. Why do we put limitations and demons on ourselves. We are subject to limitation caused by our egoism. If you let go of yourself, you are free to love and to live. There is no final destination, like making a certain amount of money to be happy. That is just ego. My life is moving -it's going.

So as I'm preaching my two-cent, my other girlfriend Sue joins in that those ideas are similar to her Buddhist faith. Release the attachment to desire and self, then you can reach Nirvana. She believes in the Mantrilla circle where two circles or eyes come together and the space between which is the joining of the circle is the ideal place to exist. It is limitless. It is a constant cycle not a final destination. Then our friend Ann joins in that those are the same teachings she learns from her AA meetings. Everyday is a process and not the end. Let go of the things you cannot control.

At that point we all start to laugh. Laughing because we came from such different places but there was true communion. It's a true testament to the human bondage. Same struggle and same conclusion from very different resources. We were totally in sync. Who knew that a Sex club, Catholic Church, Buddhist temple, and AA would have so much in common. "Let go of our egos. It's only a process. Stop placing limits on others and ourselves." It was so refreshing because there was no judgment. We were seeking the same desire for transcendence. It was good to be reminded of things we know already. And it felt good to connect. After a delicious meal, we ate rice pudding and moved on to the subject of boys.

Copyright 2003, 2004