Live Healthy!

by Dave

Despite my history of serious injuries, I've always considered myself an unofficial expert on the subject of healthy living. Recently, I thought, "Why should I keep all this knowledge to myself? Once my hangover goes away, I should really share this wisdom with the world!" And today I am keeping true to this promise. So come with me on this journey of self-discovery and learn to LIVE HEALTHY!


One of the main secrets to healthy living is balance. The key is to counterbalance unhealthy activities with healthy ones. For example, say I walk into a biker bar, drunk, and start making fun of all the large, violent men - I might counterbalance that by eating a small green salad the next day.

Balance definitely comes into play when dealing with drugs and alcohol. For instance, say you spend a night on the town with friends, drinking wine coolers and smoking Marlboro Ultra-lights, you would want to counterbalance that by growing some balls and acting like a real man, you pussy.

If you are a woman, then that last suggestion about growing balls and stuff doesn't apply directly to you. But seriously, though, why are you going out with this guy? He drinks wine coolers and smokes Marlboro Ultra-lights, for Chrissakes. What's the next stage for him? Cabana Boy Vanilla Rum and Virginia Slims? Try not to act too surprised in a year or two when he comes screeching out of the closet at mach 5.


Your physical environment plays an important role in your well-being. The people you surround yourself with or the location you choose to live in has a huge impact your health.

Here are some guidelines to improving your surroundings and environment:

- Surround yourself with positive, loving people. Negative people have no place in a healthy environment. Whenever negative people enter my life, I kill them.

- Do not live in haunted locations. There are plenty of non-haunted domiciles that you can reside in, so why pick one that is dangerously haunted? A good friend of mine once moved into a hotel that was haunted and there were these two creepy ghost girls, and all this blood started flooding down the hallway, and then his kid started screaming "Redrum" and crap. My friend eventually went apeshit and killed that black guy and then went after his totally annoying wife with an ax. That shit was fucked up. I had nightmares for weeks after watching that.

- Try finally moving out of your parents' house. They really are nagging you way too much, and you're going to have to face the real world one of these days, you pussy.


The key to safety if simple: Don't needlessly put yourself at risk!

- If you're the type that frequently gets into fist-fights, remember to always fight people that are smaller than you, grossly out of shape, and/or disabled. This will minimize your chances of injury during the fist fight. If, after this, you still get your ass kicked, then you totally deserve it, you freakin' pussy

- Don't have sex with hookers. Hookers are filthy at transmit STDs. Only have sex with people that you know. In fact, the safest thing to do is to choose not to have sex at all. This is what I personally do. Which is not have sex. Because I choose to. Not have sex. By choice.


- ...

- Okay, sorry about that. I'm back. I was sobbing uncontrollably about something that was completely unrelated to that last paragraph I wrote. My last tip is: the best way to practice good safety is to simply avoid risk altogether. In that case, maybe you should hold off on moving out of mom and dad's house just yet. While you're at it, start living in a bubble. Trust me. If you're still living at home at this point, then your folks will probably let you do anything

I would write more, but I hear my parents calling me. So until next time, LIVE HEALTHY!

Copyright 2003, 2004