How to be EVIL (Part I)

by Mike

Being good has totally gotten me nowhere.

Yeah, every time I read books to orphans or save a kitten from a burning building, I feel good for a little while. But in the long run I never get anything out of it.

Sure, there's the smile of a dewy-eyed child, or the cooing meows from a cute little ball of fur, but has an orphan ever said, "Hey Mike, I really appreciated that. Here's twenty bucks -- go get yourself something nice"?... Has a cat ever said, "Thank you"?


Being good sucks. From now on, I'm going to be nothing but evil. It's fun and it's easy too!

So here are some tips how to be evil! So let's be evil together, you and me!

Let's GO!


Ruining Christmas is easy. Saying things like, "Empty out your pockets so the warden'll let us in to see Daddy" or "I spent the toy money on beer" are sure to ruin Christmas.

What I'm talking about is stealing Christmas. I stole Christmas last year and I got a lot of really cool things: DVDs, iPods, gift certificates to Best Buy, Who-Pudding, Who-Hash, Roast Beast, and Xbox games, just to name a few.

This can be highly profitable. Plus there's the added advantage of not having to do any Christmas shopping for people because you'd be stealing everything back from them anyway.

Try to steal Christmas from rich people because you'll get better stuff. If you steal Christmas from poor people all you'll get are socks and hair care products.

Stealing Hannukah is pretty effective as well, although it takes place over eight nights and can be really tiring.

Other holidays, such as President's Day and Labor Day, are not worth stealing. And be sure not to steal Easter, since all you'll get are eggs.


Evil pets are the best. You could be like the main character - what's-his-name - from that movie "Willard" -- the one with all the rats and stuff. You could command them to attack people and pick locks and do your laundry.

It's important to choose the right pet to make evil. Evil dogs are good because they can bite people. Evil cats are good because they're scary when they hiss and they have claws.

Evil hamsters are pretty much useless. So are evil turtles. Evil fish can be cool, but you should only use them to attack people that are underwater. They're pretty ineffective on land. Also, you have to carry them around in a plastic bag.


Every evil person needs an evil lair. The ideal evil lair is built into the side of a volcano or deep underwater at the bottom of the Marianas Trench or on the moon.

Mine is the room above the garage of my grandma's house. It doesn't look very evil from the outside, but trust me - inside it's totally evil.

Once you locate a suitable place for your evil lair, be sure to fill it with all sorts of evil things like giant lasers, taxidermied polar bears, cans of Smallpox, and killer robots. Plus you can do what I did and get some cool black candles from Hot Topic to make the atmosphere just right.

A major bonus is that you never really have to vacuum, since people don't really expect evil lairs to be super-clean.


I just watched this really cool documentary that taught me that corporations are essentially like people. Really evil people.

If you become a corporation you can do all sorts of evil things like bury nuclear waste under elementary schools, implant electrodes in the brains of baby seals, and use sweatshop labor to make pairs of Nike Shoxx for thirteen cents.

You can also pretty much murder people, but you have to do it by poisoning their water supply over the course of thirty years, which might not fit within your intended timeframe.


Trust me. In this insane, panicked world of ours parents don't want to enroll their kids in a sissified "everybody-is-special-nobody-gets-hurt" dojo. Parents want to send their kids to evil dojos like the one pictured in The Karate Kid Part I (COBRA KAI!) so that if Al Qaeda terrorists attack the local Westfield Shopping Centre, their kids will be able to kick the crap out of them.

Be sure to have your students wear black Gis ("karate uniforms" to the uninitiated) with the sleeves ripped off so they look extra ripped and evil. Also, have your star pupil wear a black headband to designate his superiority among the others. Have them fight periodically to earn your tight-fisted approval.

And remember, always teach them to...


Remember what the evil sensei at the Cobra Kai Dojo always said:

"IF A MAN CAN'T SEE, HE CAN'T FIGHT" - Very true. So always carry around a cup of soda. That way if you get into a fight you can totally THROW THE SODA IN THE DUDE'S FACE.

He'll be all, "AHHH, I'm BLINDED!!!", and he won't be able to fight you. And that's when you kick him in the jewels and YOU RUN, you run like friggin' Leonard Nimoy in the parking lot of a Star Trek convention!!!

You want to use a soda with a lot of carbonation because it stings more. Dr. Pepper messes you up like a mother! Also (and this is something I discovered through a lot of trial and error) MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE LID OFF THE CUP FIRST.

Likewise, "IF A MAN CAN'T BREATHE, HE CAN'T FIGHT" - So if you have to fight someone, make sure that they have asthma, tuberculosis, or whooping cough. These people probably have really weak lungs (or as I call them, "pussy lungs") and won't be able to fight you. And if they are able to fight you, when you run away they won't be able to chase after you.

The last one, "IF A MAN CAN'T STAND, HE CAN'T FIGHT" is actually not true. It turns out that guys in wheelchairs can be pretty tenacious fighters.

(Part II of this article coming soon!)

Copyright 2003, 2004