by Dave

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I've always loved animals. I even wanted to be a biologist when I was a kid. Though I never did officially become a biologist, I have spent a good portion of my life capturing exotic animals, studying them, and then MAKING THEM FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

Now you might ask, "Dave, if you love animals so much, why do you make them fight each other?" and if you did, I would just smile knowingly, and tell you that it's all in the name of science. And if you asked me to explain what the hell that meant, I would become very tense and tell you not to press the issue any further.

Here are the results of some of my matchups:

BATTLE #1: Lion vs. Grizzly Bear

This is a battle for the ages. Both are kings of their respective continents, but with nary a chance to meet in natural combat. Who knows who would win? And really, who cares?

Well, I'll tell you who. My entire fourth grade class cared. They cared a lot.

The kids at my grammar school debated this one endlessly. But even the term "debate" lends an air of legitimacy that is undeserved by this stupid argument. The argument escalated and as kids began to champion their favorite animal, lions soon developed the ability to jump a hundred feet in the air, and bears were able to rip trees out of the ground and throw them.

Eventually, someone, who was definitely not on the Honor Roll, declared with authority that lion saliva was poisonous, and that settled the debate.

RESULT: LION DEFEATS BEAR BY MEANS OF VENOMOUS BITE.

Let me say that I'm an un-married, thirty-something, grad-school dropout who spends his time writing stupid essays for a theater website. Yes, sometimes this makes me depressed about my life, but then I think about the little mulletheads I knew in fourth grade, and I wonder which minimum security prison they're kicking it in now, and then I feel much, much better about myself.




BATTLE #2: Tarantula vs. Camel Spider

When I was a kid, I thought black widows were the evilest, grossest creatures alive. Learning about tarantulas gave me a whole new nightmare until I recently saw my first picture of a Camel Spider. No insect ever made me say, "Holy Shit!" like a fuggin Camel Spider. Let's go over the differences between the two, shall we?


RESULT: TARANTULA DIES FROM SHEER TERROR.


Camel Spiders will one day conquer this planet, and I for one, plan to be on the winning side. Sure I may live an miserable existence, but I won't hesitate to sell out my fellow humans for even just a few more miserable moments of life. Nothing can defeat the Camel Spider.

BATTLE #3: Three-Toed Sloth vs. Ice Plant

Now I know that Ice Plant is not an animal, but I was really trying to find a fair fight for a three-toed sloth, and Ice Plant was the best I could do. Seriously. Here's why:

Sloth
The three-toed sloth is a fairly large, tree-dwelling mammal whose dubious distinction is that of being the slowest animal in the world. No shit. About 3 meters per minute on average. You can get one to sprint at a blistering 5 meters per minute per if it's enticed by a cabbage or the desperate mewling of its cub. This is an animal that tortoises don't wanna get stuck behind at the ATM. All I can say is that sloth-meat must taste like crap, otherwise carnivores would be strolling through the jungle, plucking them off trees, and casually snacking on them.

People have joked that the platypus is proof that God has a sense of humor. I think the three-toed sloth is proof that God drinks more than I do, and he probably had a killer hangover on that 5th day of creation.

Ice Plant
When I was in high school, we were required to do community service one day out of the school year for "Public Service Day". This could be bringing recyclables to the local recycling facility, picking up trash at the beach, or, in my case, pulling up Ice Plant on the side of the freeway.

Now Ice Plant is about as powerful and aggressive a plant can become without actually being carnivorous. It grows fast as hell and is damn near impossible to really destroy. There were two groups helping pull Ice Plant that day - my high school group, and a bunch of criminals from the local correctional facility. Ice Plant is so gnarly that only high school volunteers and free prison slave labor can be used to control it. That's some pretty impressive flora.

If daisies were people, they'd be cheerleaders at a suburban high school in the Midwest. If Ice Plant was people, it'd be an angry Latino prison gang. I wouldn't pick up Ice Plant if I saw Ice Plant hitchhiking on the side of the road. If Ice Plant had a totally cute sister, I wouldn't date her even if she threw herself at me naked. Sloths are so pathetic.

RESULT: THREE-TOED SLOTH DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE. ICE PLANT WINS BY SHEER SPEED AND POWER.



I think that's enough fighting for today. Take care and be excellent! I'm going to go catch some more animals.






Copyright 2003, 2004