by Mike

As we all know, the Chinese have invented many excellent inventions. Among them: Gunpowder, paper, tantric sex, and Chinese food. But one of their coolest inventions was the Chinese Zodiac. This was a method of determining a person's horoscope based upon the year of their birth and the lunar signs.

Have fun and learn more about your personality with my nifty Chinese Zodiac sign chart! Just look up the year of your birth and match it to your animal sign. Yay!

1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999

You are the luckiest of all the signs. You are extremely talented and articulate. You are also financially lucky and are admired by everyone. Be as arrogant as you like, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Anyone who says otherwise is just jealous. I myself am a Rabbit, so I should know. You are also great in bed.

You are compatible with the Sheep or the Pig. Cocks will try to kill you.

1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998

You are aggressive and driven, although sensitive. You have a bad temper. You may have already murdered someone. If you haven't, you probably will. Other people have great respect for you, but only because they fear you. Most of the people in prison are Tigers.

You are compatible with the Horse and the Dog. BEWARE OF THE MONKEY.

1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997

You are patient, quiet, an inspiration to others. You are easy-going. However, you can be angered easily. As a result, you tend to be passive-aggressive. You would make a great parent. You also have a knack for making children cry. It is these two attributes of yours that will line the pockets of your child's future therapist.

You are compatible with the Snake or the Cock. Sheep will slowly chip away at your well-being with their self-esteem issues.

1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996

You are ambitious, thrifty, and charming. You LOVE money. You are constantly coming up with nutty get-rich-quick schemes. People dislike you because you only look out for Number One. That's why your friendships never last -- because you keep ripping people off. Stop telling people that you're a Mouse.

You are compatible with the Dragon and the Monkey. Horses are too cool to be seen with you.

1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000

You are eccentric and your life is really complex. But who are we kidding? "Eccentric" and "complex" is just a kind way of saying that you're fucking crazy. To you, "life is a colorful leaping flame". Especially with all the drugs that you do, you crackhead. Also, you have a soft heart (i.e. you're a doormat).

Also, look at your symbol. What the fuck is that? Is that supposed to be a dragon? It looks like "Year of the Shrek".

You are compatible with the Monkey or the Rat (but only once you're older and clean and sober). Dogs will try to gank your stash.

1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001

Oh Lord. What can I tell you that you don't already know? You possess great wisdom (or at least you think you do). You're good looking and you lord it over people. You think that everyone likes you, but that's only because they want to sleep with you. Enjoy your youth while it lasts, because once it's over your only companionship will be an apartment full of cats.

You are compatible with the Cock or the Ox. Right now a Pig is talking shit about you behind your back.

1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002

You are popular and everyone's sexual fantasy. However, you are headstrong and oblivious. You're always blabbing peoples' secrets because you're kind of dim. Oops! You absolutely require other peoples' attention and need to be surrounded by friends. Without them you shrivel up into a little dessicated ball. If you haven't already, you should start a cult. And when you do, remember to make yourself the leader.

You are compatible with the Tiger or the Dog (find one before you get old, fat, and unattractive). A Rat will pay someone to have you murdered.

1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003

You are elegant and creative but extremely shy (i.e. you are an artistic loner). The world puzzles you, and you often find it difficult to express exactly how you feel to people. As a result you tend to ramble on about trivial matters. Star Trek conventions are filled with Sheep. So are LOSER CONVENTIONS.

You are compatible with the Pig and the Rabbit. The Ox will pretend to listen to you but will be really thinking about football.

1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004

You are really smart and people always listen to you. However, at the slightest sign of trouble you get really discouraged and quit. You never finish anything that you start, and you're always moving on to some new crazy shit. If the world was run by Monkeys we'd all be driving cars with half-an-engine and no steering wheel. Fortunately, only the government is run by Monkeys.

You are compatible with the Dragon or the Rat. Dating a Tiger is a guaranteed ticket to being a guest on the Jerry Springer Show. Practice saying "BUT I LUV HIM!" with a Southern accent.

1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005

You're a workaholic and an absolute overachiever. You're extremely adventurous and you never, ever fail. Unfortunately, you're also a selfish asshole. As a result, the following career paths are perfect for you: TV personal injury attorney, international assassin, biological weapons designer, used car salesman, medieval state executioner, cancer cell. You own one or more sweatshops.

You are compatible with the Snake or the Ox. Kill all Rabbits!

1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006

You're loyal, honest, a joy to be with. At least, that is the front you put up. Inside you are a selfish, stubborn, crazy weirdo. You lie so much that you don't even know when you're doing it. You would be a great politician. Bill Clinton is a Dog. So is George W. Bush. You could someday be President!!!

You are compatible with the Horse or the Tiger. Dragons will sell your things to buy crack.

1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007

You are noble and chivalrous. There is only one direction in your life -- forward...

...To the refrigerator, you fatty! No, no, I'm just kidding. You are an excellent, loyal friend. This is because you feel so lucky to have people around that you'll do anything to please them. You should stop being such a sucker. Also, go for a jog once in a while.

You are compatible with the Rabbit or the Sheep. Stay away from other Pigs! THEY WILL TRY TO TAKE YOUR FOOD!

Copyright 2003, 2004